Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It’s physically difficult to get out of bed because I feel like everything I do after that isn’t going to make a difference anyhow. This ‘rut’ can last, on and off, for days or weeks.
It’s debilitating. It’s joy robbing. It keeps me from doing what I’m called to do.
The show must go on. So, I roll out of bed into whatever my phone says I’m doing that day. Especially on days that I’m working with kids (5 days a week), I’m expected to throw on the widest smile ever, sing crazy camp songs, teach about nature, invest in lives and help people reach their fullest potential.
All the while, the weight of ‘I’m not good enough to do this, I don’t even have my shit together!’ presses harder on my shoulders. So I try harder to do what I know I’m capable of – expressing the love of a most powerful God fully, at every turn.
I often drift back to the lyrics, ‘Your love, that rescued the earth, lives in me’. The emotion of the statement will linger momentarily; I’ll even hum the song for a few minutes and try to center myself back on the power of God. Snap back to reality. A child is screaming about a fire ant.
In my most lucid moments, I’ll start formulating a plan in my head to ‘figure this out’. Maybe even for five or ten minutes. I’ll start thinking about it, I might even jot some notes down in my phone. I tell myself I’ll think about this later.
I started writing a list of steps to get out of ruts, and in the midst of that, realized something. I have to let go. What’s the point of believing in an all-powerful God if we don’t let His spirit lead us?